“Why the hell all this river talk, buddy? I’m here read about beer, not some hackneyed Fodor’s like account of a town I will probably never visit.” The reason I mention the river, smart guy, is because beer is about 90% water, thus the quality and type of water a brewer uses has a profound impact on what the beer tastes like. Just ask the folks at Burton-on-Trent, douchey. Question my meandering narrative again and I’ll box your ears!
Kern River Brewing was founded in June 2006 by a triumvirate of overachievers. One thing you should know about me is there is nothing in this world that I loathe more than overachievers. Overachievers make us all look bad. If it weren’t for overachievers, mediocrity would be exceptional and therefore I would be exceptional.
These three particular overachievers are Kyle Smith, the brewer, who before being a master brewer fought raging infernos in the remote California wilderness for the United States Forest Service. Overachiever number two is Eric Giddens; he has a PhD in Oceanography and looks like a slimmer, handsomer version of the old school Brawny Guy (not the new one who looks like Meat from “Porky’s.”) The final and perhaps most infuriating member of the Kern Brewing team is Rebecca Giddens, she’s just a world champion kayaker and Olympic silver medalist. My theory is that the brewery is actually a cover and these three are really members of a top secret special operations force protecting us from the forces of evil. Maybe so, but they’re still overachievers and for that reason I was really hoping I wouldn’t like their beer.
Kern’s most well known beer is their aptly named “Just Outstanding IPA” which I’m not going to review this time because I’ve always been a person whose taken the road less traveled (or so I thought until I walked into a friend’s room in high school and he had the exact same Jim Morrison, Taxi Driver, and Pink Floyd Animals posters as me.) I said earlier that destiny was
responsible for me choosing this post’s particular beer; well destiny in this case was the $5.35 price tag of Kern’s Class V Stout. When I first picked up the bottle I was undecided until I saw the 8.5% abv. I calculated my soon-to-be-patented abv formula that stipulates: if there's a beer you haven't tried and each percentage point of alcohol is less than a dollar, you must buy it immediately. I hip-checked the cute Winona Ryder-looking girl filling her basket with Aventinus (pre-crazy, pre-shoplifting Winona) and bum-rushed the counter.Like pretty much every stout, Class V is a gorgeous sight, it’s like the Monolith from Kubrick’s 2001 except this Monolith has an active mocha-colored head that leaves some decent lacing. The beer hits the front of the tongue with subtle dark chocolate sweetness and a wee dram of
espresso (yes, I said it, wee dram). After that, the roasted barley takes the lead and pretty much dominates throughout. The finish has some lingering roasty and hop bitterness with the 8.5% abv showing itself only slightly. Now I’m going to confess that I actually drank this beer on two separate occasions. (I make many sacrifices for this blog.) The first bomber I drank, which was about a week before the second, Class V seemed more chocolate forward with the roasted barley working more in the background.One thing that never ceases to amaze me about craft beer is how the same beer can provide such different experiences. People often talk about pallets evolving or maybe you ate a bunch of pigs-in-a-blanket beforehand or possibly the recipe was tweaked or it was unintentionally aged in your friend’s Bronco 2. The list goes on and on. I don’t want to dismiss the impact of such things but I’m of the opinion that one’s mood and mindset play as big of a role as any of those variables. Things like, when was the last time you had a beer: 10 minutes ago or 10 days ago? Were you at your best friend’s bachelor party or his couples baby shower? Did you just river a flush or bet on the Raiders? The perception of a beer, like any work of art, can be heavily influenced by one’s mood and environment.
I remember one night several years ago after getting a job that I thought would change my life (it didn’t): Amstel Light tasted better than Skittles to a meth-head. When I tried to drink it another time it was the same flavorless watered-down beer. Class V on the other hand was excellent both times, just in different ways. To me this is a signature of a great beer, it can come at you in several different ways yet still maintain a consistent thread. I’m not ready to put Class V in my Hall of Fame (that takes years of additional batches and many more hazy memories at its hands) but I see a long-term relationship looming on the horizon.
That finally brings me to my disturbing conclusion: yes the overachievers win again, but I’m used to that. What really disturbs me is they did it making beer. Why do they have to exert their relentless drive and can-do attitude on the beverage of choice for many of us underachievers? Is there no refuge from them? Perhaps not, but at least this time they gave me something to drink away the irritation.
Kern River Brewing Class V
Imperial Stout
8.5% abv
$5.35 for a bomber
$:) $:) $:)
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